I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
