How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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