I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's shark week go big or go home
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
