you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella