Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
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I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.