i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.