1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
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im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
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Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.