My cat gives me a boner
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
