shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
