try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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