Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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