My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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