Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
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