i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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