she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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