apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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