I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Pooping to opera.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
