becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
