i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
