legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
