i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
