Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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