I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
