We're like a lot better than the average bears
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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