There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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