I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I believe in your delicious
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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