Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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