then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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