You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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