i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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