i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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