Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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