walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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