i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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