I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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