I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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