Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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