Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
