we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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