i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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