it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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