you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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