I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
