The maid of honor just puked.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
