I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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