you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
