I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
