all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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