you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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