i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.