I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
