...so i touched it.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
