I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
