the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
