The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
