Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just cropdusted the office
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
