so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
