this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
