hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You may now shotgun with the bride
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
