my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
