Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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