chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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