non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
